Asking For What You Need In Relationships: The Power Of DEAR MAN
I think everyone knows that healthy communication is a vital component of all relationships, including friendships, romantic, and familial relationships. However, healthy communication can often be easier said than done. AND healthy communication encompasses a lot of different aspects of communication. One of the most critical aspects of communication within relationships is our ability to express our needs, desires, and boundaries clearly.
However, for many people, asking for what they need in a relationship can be difficult. For people who’ve experienced trauma, neglect, or abuse within their relationships, sometimes past experiences have taught them that asking for what they need is risky. People may also worry that asserting their boundaries and needs may lead to rejection and confrontation, making it feel easier to keep their needs to themselves. Some people with marginalized identities, such as women, people of color, and people with disabilities, may have been socialized to learn that they should not express their needs and boundaries to others. Maybe you’ve found yourself thinking you might be a burden if you ask for what you need from the people in your life. Or even expressing your needs in a way that other people may understand may feel difficult. There are various reasons it can feel hard to express our needs with others, but in order to have a healthy relationship, it is a vital aspect of communication that we learn how to do. This is where the DEAR MAN skill comes in handy.
Interpersonal Effectiveness and DBT
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is an evidence-based treatment developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan. DBT can be a beneficial form of therapy to help people learn skills to reduce ineffective or harmful behaviors, increase skillful ways of creating relationships, tolerating distress, regulating emotions, and ultimately work towards building a “life worth living.” One of the core types of skills taught in DBT are interpersonal effectiveness skills. Interpersonal effectiveness skills help people to develop healthy communication in order to assert themselves, set boundaries, and deal with conflict in relationships. One of these skills is DEAR MAN which helps us to assert our needs and boundaries with others.
So what is DEAR MAN and how can you use it to ask for what you need in a relationship?
Using DEAR MAN To Ask For What You Need In Relationships
DEAR MAN is an acronym to help you remember the steps to be able to communicate your needs and boundaries assertively. Let’s break down DEAR MAN step by step:
D - Describe
First, you will describe the situation objectively. This means explaining exactly what has been going on in a factual, neutral way. You will not add in any of your emotional reactions, assumptions, or accusations here. The goal is not to place blame, but instead to offer a clear, objective picture of the issue that you are wanting to speak about. For example, let’s imagine a situation where you feel like your partner is not doing their part in helping with chores around the house. Instead of saying, “You are such a mess and never pick up anything around the house,” you would describe the situation more factually and neutrally, such as saying “I’ve noticed you’ve been leaving your dirty clothes on the floor in the bedroom at night and I’ve been picking them up every day this week.”
E - Express
After you’ve described the situation factually, you will then express your feelings about the situation. This is where you explain how the situation is impacting you emotionally. Use “I” statements to focus on how the situation is impacting you instead of blaming the person for making you feel this way. To continue with the previous example, you could say, “When I have to pick up the clothes every day, I feel frustrated and overwhelmed.”
A - Assert
This is the part where you assert your need clearly and directly. It’s crucial to be specific about what you are wanting the other person to do and not make assumptions that they will know what you are asking for. Sometimes people can feel like assertively asking for what they are needing can feel demanding, nagging, or even aggressive. Assertiveness is none of these things, it is simply being clear, fair, and respectful in requesting what you need from someone. So again, continuing with the previous example, you might say, “I need help picking up clothes in the bedroom and would appreciate it if you could put your dirty clothes in the hamper at the end of each day.” Again, make sure that you are being clear and direct in what you are asking for, and also keep in mind to make sure that your request is realistic.
R - Reinforce
After asserting your need directly, it can be helpful to reinforce the positive outcome that would occur if they meet your need. This can encourage the other person to follow through on your request by helping them understand the benefit of them taking action. It can also be a helpful way to make your request feel like a collaborative action that will positively impact both of you, rather than being something that is one-sided. Or can just be a way to express appreciation for the other person. For example, you might say, “If you can help pick up your dirty clothes in the bedroom, it would help me feel more relaxed and I’d be able to be less stressed and more present when we are unwinding at night. It would also help things feel more balanced around the house.”
M - (Stay) Mindful
When conversations become emotional, it can be hard to not get distracted by other issues or past challenges. The (Stay) Mindful step encourages you to stay on track. The other person might try to interrupt, change topics, or begin an argument, but continue to stay focused on your specific goal and assertion. You might find it helpful to continually repeat the ask that you are making, for example continuing to come back with “I’d still like you to pick up your clothes” or “Can you pick up your clothes at night?” If the other person begins to change topic or bring up another issue, you can redirect back to the topic at hand by saying “I’d like to stay focused on the dirty clothes right now, we can talk about the dishes later.”
A - Appear Confident
While asserting your need, it is important to appear confident. Notice the step says APPEAR confident not be confident. You can still feel nervous, anxious, or unsure as you are making your request, but it is important to show confidence. Things such as maintaining eye contact, using a steady and calm voice, and standing or sitting tall with an open posture can communicate that you are confident about the request you are making. Fake it ‘til you make it if necessary!
N - Negotiate
Finally, be open to negotiating if needed. Not every request we make of someone can or will be immediately agreed to, and that’s okay! Negotiation allows you to compromise and be flexible in the request that you are making. This does not mean completely abandoning your request, a compromise and negotiation should end in a mutually beneficial agreement and solution. If your partner can’t commit to picking up their clothes every night, maybe they can agree to keep their dirty clothes in a pile instead of spread throughout the room or help with another chore around the house.
Using DEAR MAN To Assert Your Needs In A Relationship: An Example
To pull it all together, let’s use another example. Imagine that your partner is consistently coming home late from work and you want to ask for more communication from them about when they will be running late.
Describe: “I’ve noticed that you have been coming home late from work a lot in the last few weeks.”
Express: “When you are running late, I find myself worrying about your safety and I feel stressed wondering if something has happened.”
Assert: “Could you please text or call me to let me know that you are running late?”
Reinforce: “By letting me know you are running late, I’ll feel less stressed when you get home and will be able to be more present with you as we relax and unwind in the evening, and I think it would help us to have more fun at night.”
(Stay) Mindful: If your partner tries to change the topic repeat “Can you please text me to let me know when you are running late?” or “I’d like to stay focused on when you are running late, we can talk about other things later”
Appear Confident: Maintain eye contact, speak calmly and clearly, and keep your posture tall, strong, and open.
Negotiate: “If you can’t let me know when you know you will be running late, can you still text me or call me when you get in the car to let me know you are on your way home?”
Tips To Effectively Use DEAR MAN For Healthy Communication In Your Relationships
Write out your DEAR MAN script highlighting each of the letters as I did with the example above.
Practice repeating the script in a mirror or to a trusted person so that you can get practice saying it out loud and appearing confident as you do so.
Keep your script with you when you make your DEAR MAN request if needed, you can start the conversation by saying “I’ve written down what I want to say so that I don’t forget anything and can clearly express myself”
Practice using DEAR MAN in situations that feel like “lower stakes” for example, ask for directions to an event, ask to make a modification when you order something at a restaurant, or use DEAR MAN to send an email or a text message to make a request.
Remember that DEAR MAN can also be used to say no.
Mental Health Counseling In Lexington To Help Build Healthy Relationships And Communication
If you are looking to be able to express your needs and boundaries with other people in your life, therapy can be a great place to help build skills and unpack the things that make expressing your needs hard to do. I’m a mental health therapist in Lexington, Kentucky that works virtually with adults all over Kentucky to help them understand their relationships with others and themselves to better be able to understand and express their needs. If you are interested in working with me, you can contact me here or schedule a free 15-minute consultation by clicking here.
About the Author:
Dr. Carolyn Meiller is a mental health therapist in Lexington, Kentucky. She specializes in helping adults understand their relationships with themselves and others to help them more fully embrace their authentic selves and express their needs to others. She has extensive training in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and often incorporates DBT informed approaches in her work with clients.
