Surviving Mother’s Day When It's Complicated By Childhood Trauma

Mother’s Day can be a deeply painful holiday for those who have a complicated relationship with their mothers, especially when childhood trauma is involved. The “special day” for some may bring up many conflicting emotions for others. With Mother’s Day reminders present everywhere including grocery stores, social media, emails, and advertisements, the large and widespread celebration of mothers can serve as a reminder of what is missing, leading to feelings of grief and sadness. Painful experiences of childhood trauma such as neglect, abuse, or emotional unavailability can make it hard to participate in the celebrations that are going on.

When your mother did not fill their role of nurturing, loving, and protecting it can feel impossible to celebrate them, bringing up feelings of sadness, anger, and betrayal. Further, the societal pressure to celebrate and show your mom love on Mother’s Day can create feelings of guilt or shame for feeling the need to not participate in or set boundaries around the holiday. 

The conflict between what is expected of Mother’s Day and personal feelings of pain and hurtful memories can make the day exhausting. When you are in the midst of healing from your past trauma and trying to navigate what kind of relationship you may want with your mother it can be especially challenging to know how to navigate these conflicting feelings and situations that arise around Mother’s Day. There is no one right way to navigate Mother’s Day when you’ve experienced childhood trauma and have a complicated relationship with your mother. The best way to survive Mother’s Day will be what works best for you. Here are some options for how you might be able to navigate, plan for, cope with, and ultimately survive complicated Mother’s Day celebrations:

Surviving Mother’s Day When You’ve Experienced Childhood Trauma

How you approach Mother’s Day is absolutely an individual decision. And the approach might change based on how much, if any contact, you may be having with your mom. You may find it helpful to make preparations before the day of, find ways to navigate difficult interactions, “obligations,” and boundaries, or engage in alternative activities.

Preparing Before

Making A Plan

Make a plan in advance of Mother’s Day how exactly you are going to spend the day. Spend some time reflecting about what aspects might be especially challenging for you and make plans on how you can cope with those different parts. How will you plan to take care of yourself? Are there coping strategies, such as grounding skills or deep breathing techniques, or self-care activities that you can engage in to help you navigate the more challenging parts?

Preparing For Triggers

A part of making a plan will also be preparing for triggers that are likely to happen on or around the day. It is likely that you will experience a range of emotions and preparing for these emotions in advance can help you navigate through them in a healthier way. Think of ways that you can channel these emotions into different coping strategies: journaling, talking to friends, scheduling a therapy session before or after Mother’s Day, exercising, etc. Preparing for triggers may also be avoiding certain aspects or people on Mother’s Day. It may be helpful to have an escape plan if there are certain social events you are planning to attend or schedule another event so that you have a concrete reason why you need to leave at a certain time to limit your time in certain situations or around specific people.

Navigating Gatherings

Perhaps you are in a space where you have decided or for some reason are unable to avoid certain celebrations or interactions on Mother’s Day. Giving yourself permission to navigate Mother’s Day in whatever way you need to can go a long way in helping to create the day that you need. Also finding ways to set boundaries and redirect conversations can help to preserve your peace.

Letting Go Of Obligations

Part of what can make it challenging to engage in Mother’s Day in the way that feels best for you is feelings of obligation. It can feel like there is an obligation to love, respect, and celebrate your mother on Mother’s Day. You may feel obligated to attend brunches, gatherings, give a gift, etc. But, especially when navigating a painful relationship and healing from childhood trauma, giving yourself permission to let go of the obligations you feel held to can go a long way.

Giving Yourself Permission To Do Less

Sometimes, while navigating Mother’s Day and a complicated relationship with your mother, it might make sense and feel authentic to you to engage in certain aspects of the celebration and not others. For example, maybe you are invited to a family gathering to celebrate the moms in the family and although you do not want to celebrate your mom, you want to celebrate your sister who is a new mom. Or maybe you are a mother yourself and want to celebrate with your kids without celebrating with your mother. Give yourself permission to show up in the ways and for the aspects of the holiday that are important to you.

Redirecting Conversations

While preparing for Mother’s Day, you might know that it is likely that your mom might bring up certain topics. For example, maybe you know that your mom tends to comment on your weight or your appearance. It can be helpful to have a quick statement practiced and ready to go to shut down conversations that you do not want to have and to redirect those conversations. Be ready to say things like “I would rather not discuss that right now.” or “Let’s talk about more important things” or be ready with topics you can bring up to quickly change topics. It is also always okay to excuse yourself from a conversation.

Setting Boundaries

It might be important to set certain boundaries for yourself. If you know that talking to or spending time with certain people will make the day especially challenging it may be important to set boundaries around not seeing or speaking with them on Mother’s Day. It may also be important to give yourself boundaries for staying off social media on Mother’s Day. You may say no to joining for celebrations and gatherings. No is a full sentence and you do not need to share a reason for why you will not be joining.

Spending The Day Differently

Knowing that this day will be painful and possibly exhausting for you, it is okay to say no and spend the day focused on other things, such as your own health and well-being. If you are making the decision for yourself to not engage in traditional Mother’s Day activities or you are in a space where you are not in contact with your mom, here are some alternative things you may do to help survive a challenging Mother’s Day.

Seeking Support

Reach out to friends and other sources of support. Talk with people who understand how challenging Mother’s Day can be or who you have been able to open up about how challenging it is for you. Online spaces can also be another way to connect with others who might be navigating Mother’s Day after having experienced childhood trauma. This can help you feel less alone and also connected with others who may understand your experience.

Treating Yourself

It may be helpful to plan something special to do on Mother’s Day that has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. Treat yourself! Do things that bring you joy - eat your favorite foods, watch your comfort movies, play that video game that you’ve been holding off on playing for the “perfect time,” go to your favorite coffee shop, or do whatever else you enjoy. Make the day about taking care of yourself in whatever way feels special and joyful for you.

Redefining Mother’s Day

Take Mother’s Day and make it your own. Perhaps turn it into a day to celebrate other important people or parental figures in your life. It might be the perfect day to celebrate a best friend, a mentor, a pet, or some other important person in your life. You may also use it as a day to celebrate yourself and the strength and survival that got you to where you are today. 

Having A Normal Day

Make a plan to treat Mother’s Day like any other day. Wake up and spend the day exactly how you would any other Sunday. Engage in your usual routines and activities. It is okay to completely skip Mother’s Day and treat it exactly just like any other day.

Remember: Your Emotions Are Valid

It makes sense that Mother’s Day would be hard for you. Experiencing past childhood trauma and working to heal from trauma makes things like Mother’s Day complicated. There is no one way that you should be experiencing Mother’s Day. Whether you are feeling grief, guilt, anger, resentment, sadness, fear, exhaustion, confusion, and any and all other emotions, those emotions make sense given your experiences and past trauma. Whatever feelings come up for you on and around Mother’s Day, I encourage you to allow yourself to feel those feelings. Be kind and compassionate with yourself for whatever emotions and experiences come up for you. You are doing the best that you can given your situation.

Virtual Trauma Therapy In Kentucky

If you are navigating past trauma or a complicated relationship with your mother, therapy can be a space for you to further explore and understand what relationship you might want to have, if any, with your mother. If you are looking for a therapist to help on your healing journey, you can reach out to me here or schedule a free 15-minute consultation here.

About The Author:

Dr. Carolyn Meiller is a licensed psychologist in Lexington, Kentucky. She specializes in providing virtual therapy for adults navigating trauma and the impacts of past experiences on current relationships. She is passionate about helping clients navigate and heal from trauma in ways that help them honor and embrace their authentic selves.